Sometimes weeks feel like years. Long and strange.
I know enough about myself by now to understand that I’m in a transition phase. When I feel the stretch in my heart, and every emotion on the spectrum demands to be felt despite my wanting to run & hide from them.
But wherever we go, we take ourselves.
There is no escape, nor should we desire one, because the only way out is always – through.
Returning home to the islands is of course a return to myself, to my roots. And it is only when we get to the roots, can we heal what shows up on the surface.
The resurfacing of past experiences has had a stifling effect on the soul lately. Things passed no longer sting with the same intensity anymore, this is progress, but there is a momentary stop in my tracks. A pause, where I get to choose whether I want to pay attention to whatever is emerging from the depths. Not everything competing for our mind-space requires or deserves further analysis. Grace is the option to say YES, NO and NOT RIGHT NOW. I pick with care.
When I am careless, however, my body responds for me. With baggy eyes, a bloated belly, shallow breaths, itchy skin and fatigue dripping on the floor as I drag tired bones around. Carrying everything and nothing.
I whisper on every heavy exhale “this too shall pass” while watching the ocean ebb and flow, reminding me how like Mother Moana, it’s all waves. No high tide without the low. No clear waters until after the cleansing activity from a storm.
Starting a new chapter of work has been interesting. Especially on the back of the most traumatic and taxing years of my life. It has also marked the coming out from my cocoon of deep rest. I lean into this new era with an open heart.
Initially, there was a buzz of excitement, positive change and readiness. It’s a good thing to act on the surge of confidence and competence, allowing for fresh momentum to push you upwards. First it was alignment, then came chaos, followed by monotony. So much to adjust to in a short space of time; my nervous-system struggling to keep up with little integration periods. Sleep deprivation thieving my energy and passion. Lackluster routine setting in and reminding me why I strayed from the corporate world many moons ago. I question if this is the right space for me going forward. The answer is clear. I did not come this far, to get swept back under, especially knowing how long it previously took to find my breath again. I won’t negotiate my well-being.
Noticing these shifts is a very personal exercise. Not intended as criticism against opportunity and helping hands. I am grateful for income, new peers and growing skills. There is value here. But I am even more grateful for increased self-awareness and the power of choice.
Some chapters are short. I feel this particular one is coming to a close soon. I have learnt a lot already. Mostly about myself. And the timing of it all makes sense when I zoom out to see the bigger picture. Perhaps it's also the fact we’re in Mercury Retrograde, not that I know what that really means. Though the cosmos certainly calls out – in the wind, the waves, the rains. Seasons shifting, rearranging. I listen and let go.
I am learning not to identify so strongly with the transition, and instead recognise and realign with the breakthrough. You do a great kindness to your own health & destiny when you stop resisting what doesn’t fit, doesn’t flow, doesn’t free. Have the courage to decide, then move. You’ll otherwise run the risk of cynicism, staying stuck in cycles and soul-sickness. None of those are worth it in the long run.
Recent weeks have felt like years. Long and strange.
Nostalgic yet foreign.
An old reality continues to shed and die.
A new narrative bursts forth. I can taste and see it.
So during this in-between, I choose recalibration. I have ventured through liminal spaces before, compassion leads me along. It feels important to finish this chapter with integrity and vision. To live trusting that the edges will smooth, the tide will change and I will catapult in purpose and a strengthened identity.
That’s why I came home, after all. To learn and listen. To be and become who the Divine created. To love and live in the light of the sun and moon. Liberated and anchored. Present not perfect. Transitioning yet always, breaking through.